Recently I've had the odd sensation of looking at myself, in pictures or the mirror, and not completely associating what I see with myself. In particular, my head-shot always catches me off guard. Suddenly, I have a neck! And collar bones! I never knew my shoulders could look so slim. My jaw has definition and my face shape is different. I really only know that it's me because I see her looking back at me every day.
On the other hand, I feel dissociated from older pictures of myself, too. I flip through old pictures on Facebook and don't completely grok that it's not only the same person, but that it's me. The changes in my silhouette are also drastic, and while my attitude towards how far I've come varies, it never ceases to shock me when I look back at the body I had for the previous 5 years.
Over 10 months have passed since my surgery, and my anniversary will be here before I know it. I wonder what my life will be like a year from now. Will my eating habits be different? Will I have the same health concerns? Will I weigh less or more?
My prediction (in multiple posts) that this surgery wouldn't fix all of the issues in my life has certainly proven to be true. I have really struggled with depression recently. I don't think it has to do with the surgery or the weight loss (although I certainly can pile frustration over my imperfect adherence to doctor's instructions into the guilt mix), so people considering the surgery shouldn't necessarily anticipate that. However, if you are already prone to depression, it's very important to keep up with your treatment afterwards.
Most reputable surgery programs require you to check in with a psychologist beforehand and throughout the first year, even if you don't have a history of depression. There are a lot of changes, not just in you, but in how others respond to you. I've been very blessed in that most of those around me have been very positive and encouraging. However, even those with the best intentions may not completely understand your needs and can encourage behavior and attitudes that will sabotage your long-term success.
Getting back to the photographs and mirrors, this dissociation with my appearance isn't a new phenomenon, just an extension. My face matured from childhood into womanhood under a thick layer of fat, and I need to begin identifying with my new reality. I was anticipating the changes to my belly, arms, legs, etc (well, sort of), but not so much in my upper body.
I strongly encourage anyone going through this surgery to take pictures often. It has been invaluable to me in understanding and and acknowledging the changes I've undergone. I know you don't really want to see those pictures beforehand, but context is important. The weigh-ins and shifting clothing sizes are useful measures, but the pictures tell a larger story. I truly forget, at times, what I used to look like! So, who's that in the pictures? And who is that in the mirror? That's what I have to reconcile for myself.
